Golf Tales

Man Dies on Golf Course (thanks to Ivan Hooie)

A four ball of guys was waiting at the men’s tee while a four ball of women was hitting from the women’s tee. The ladies were not rushing, taking their time.

When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it three yards. Then she went over and whiffed it completely. Then she hacked it another three yards and finally hacked it another two.

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, “I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn’t help.” 

One of the men immediately responded, “Well, there you have it lady, you should have taken golf lessons instead !”

He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 66.

Involuntary Muscle Contraction (thanks to your scribe’s elder (golfing) brother)

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on “Involuntary Muscle Contraction” to his first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, “Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”

She replied, “Probably golfing with his buddies”

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom

Darling, what’s wrong? (thanks to your scribe’s elder (golfing) brother)

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks.
“Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we are married I think it’s time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs.”

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

“For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

“Ex wife!” she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”

“I wasn’t!”, he replies

My New Golf Book (thanks to David Hannigan)

You may not know it but since I retired I have been very busy putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book about Golf. I am very proud of the results and in order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to be the first to own a copy.

Here is the Table of Contents from my new book, “Winning Golf Strategies” which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my own years of experience in the game and observations of golfing partners.

Table Of Contents

Chapter 1 – How to properly line up your Fourth putt.

Chapter 2 – How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.

Chapter 3 – How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker.

Chapter 4 – How to get more distance off the Shank.

Chapter 5 – When to give the Ranger the finger.

Chapter 6 – Using your shadow on the Greens to maximize earnings.

Chapter 7 – When to implement Handicap Management.

Chapter 8 – Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m.

Chapter 9 – How to urinate behind a 4″ x 4″ post, …. Undetected.

Chapter 10 – How to rationalize a 6 hour round.

Chapter 11 – How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.

Chapter 12 – My favorite chapter is: Why your spouse doesn’t care that you birdied the 5th.

Chapter 13 – How to let a Foursome play through your Twosome.

Chapter 14 – How to relax when you are hitting Three off the Tee.

Chapter 15 – When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.

Chapter 16 – God and the meaning of The Birdie-To-Bogey Putt.

Chapter 17 – When to regrip your Ball Retriever.

Chapter 18 – Use a strong grip on the Hand Wedge and Weak Slip on the Foot Wedge.

Chapter 19 – Why male golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the Cart Girl and give her a $3 tip, but will baulk at a $3.50 Beer at the 19th Hole and stiff the bartender.

Hopefully you will find my book intriguing and purchase a copy.

A skirt for that man (thanks to Michael Sargent)

A man was addressing the ball when an announcement came over the loud-speaker: “Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies’ tee box.”

 

Ten Best Caddy Responses (another fine contribution from Mal Robbins)

Number :10
Golfer: “I think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”

Number : 9
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”

Number : 8
Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now.”

Number : 7
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”

Number : 6
Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence.” 

Number : 5
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction.”
Caddy: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”

Number : 4
Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “It’s very good – but personally, I prefer golf.”

Number : 3
Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: “The way you play, it’s a sin on any day.”

Number : 2
Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago.”

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”

Bonus . . . . .
An old favorite . . . . . About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . . . . He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy. . . .. .
Golfer: “Can you see any obvious problems . . . .??”
Caddy: “There’s a piece of s**t on the end of your club.”
Golfer: He picks up his club up and cleans the club face . . . . .
Caddy: “No sir, its at the other end”

A new level in carpet golf ….

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=518604968224288&set=vb.454568751294577&type=2&theater

The comment we liked best was “Great shot.. maybe good enough for this guy to move out of mom’s house soon..”

Swing issues? – this could help (Contributed by Jeannie Debons)

The EZeeGolf Club was designed to help open up the game of golf to those that previously haven’t had the opportunity to play due to physical limitations or inexperience. EZeeGolf is a great way to get those that have never golfed before out on the course. Now anyone can play no matter your age, inexperience, physical limitations, or just play for fun!

A useful video showcasing the EZeeGolf Club can be found here.

Croc Drop (Thanks to Tom Alcedo)

Tom adds that should you ever find yourself in the same position, then the wisest course of action might be to take the penalty.

British Golfing Phlegm

In 1940, and during the second World War, the golf committee of the Richmond Golf were forced to set down some additional rulesto cope with some very special “local conditions”.

1. Players are asked to collect bomb and shrapnel splinters to save these causing damage to the mowing machines.

2. In competitions during gunfire or while bombs are falling, players may take cover without penalty for ceasing play.

3. The position of delayed-action bombs are marked by red flags at reasonable distance, but not guaranteed same distance therefrom.

4. Shrapnel or bomb splinters on the fairway or in bunkers, within one club’s length of the ball, may be removed without penalty.

5. A ball moved, or lost, by enemy action may be replaced by a new ball without penalty.

6. A ball lying in a bomb crater may be lifted or dropped not nearer the hole, preserving the line to the hole,without penalty.

7. A player whose stroke is affected by the simultaneous explosion of a bomb may play another ball from the same place. Penalty: one stroke.

With hindsight, Rule 2 is especially caring, 5. is pretty reasonable while Rule 7 seems just a little harsh.

Dedication and Focus (Thanks to Ric Wymer for this one)

WORK LIFE (Contributed by Geoff Thwaites)

In 1923, who was:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York stock Exchange?

4. The greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. The “Great Bear of Wall Street?”

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their day.

Now, 80 years later, the history books tell us what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company?

Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,

Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,

Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,

Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement,

Shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,

Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide

However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament of all, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92,

died in 1999 at the age of 95.

He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral?

Fuck work. Play golf.

ONE FOR THE GIRLS (Contributed by Graham McGeady)

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”
“Yes,” says the woman.
“Did you hit him with that golf club?”
“Yes, yes, I did.” The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
“How many times did you hit him?”
“I don’t know — five, six, maybe seven times…..just put me down for a five.”

AND ONE FOR THE BOYS (Contributed by Laird Garrard)

Tim decided to marry his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.
His new wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke.
“Tim Darling now that we are married I think it’s time you gave up golf. Perhaps you should consider selling your clubs.” Tim looked horrified.
She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
“For a minute there, you were sounding like my ex-wife.” Tim replied.
“Ex wife!” she gasped, “You didn’t tell me you’d been married before!”
“I haven’t!” He replied.

MOST ANNOYING GOLF PARTNERS (Contributed by Mark Lockwod)

Which one are you?

HELL OF AN OUTDOORS GUY (contributed by Geoff Thwaites)

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

I described my typical day to him in this way:

“Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk of around 10km through some pretty rough terrain.

I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.

I narrowly avoided standing on a poionous snake. I climbed several rocky hills and took a ‘leak’ or two behind big trees.

The mental stress of it all left me shattered so, at the end of it all, I drank eight beers”

Clearly impressed by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoors guy!”

To which I replied, “no, I’m just a shit golfer”.

.

THE AMBIDEXTROUS GOLFER (contributed by Mal Robbins)

A  group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One got transferred to another city. It wasn’t the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round.. She said, “You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?”

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say ‘yes’, but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early — at 6:30 a.m.  He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, “Good, I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.”

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and, playing right-handed, beat all three of them with an eye-opening two-under-par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, “I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.”

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed. They couldn’t figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn’t seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady again played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them. The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn’t hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

The lady blushed, and grinned. “That’s easy,” she said. “When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.”

The guys thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, “But what if it’s pointing straight up?”

She said, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”